By Art Leisure

IRSBD Critic At Large

I was in the audience last night at the Drawing Board Center for the Arts, attending the Inkpot Quartet’s most recent performance. The usual large crowd, invisible in the dark, waited for the performance to begin.

Things started off, as in all this group’s performances, with completely empty space, bathed in white light. Mirado Black Warrior Number Two, the group’s leader, appeared. After much fidgeting and head-scratching, he gazed skyward for a period of time, then began to sketch out the theme for what would be this evening’s performance. Eberhard Faber, the oldest member of the band, joined in with a few deft scrubs here and there, wielding his eraser in an impressive display of corrective expertise. After a while the separate lines of the composition began to coalesce into recognizable shapes. The intersecting lines formed first the corner, then a full representation of the interior of a room. Gradually, various furnishings appeared in the composition as well, indicating that the room was actually a doctor’s office. The audience had a few moments to absorb this scene before a figure became visible, that of a doctor with his arms crossed, speaking to what appeared to be a dismembered human foot on his examination table. (A few gasps could be heard in the audience). At this point, Rapeed O’Graff stepped in, soloing aggressively with ink and penpoint, emphasizing the lines previously laid down by his band-mates and embellishing important parts of the composition with his characteristically dark interpretations of various key elements. Another improvised solo, this one from the excellent Windsor Newton, followed. He expertly utilized his paintbrush, loaded with an ingenious mixture of ink and water, adding subtle shading and shadowy effects to the piece. There was a pause, then Mr. Warrior returned. He approached the single microphone at the foot of the stage. Clearing his throat, he began to speak, carefully enunciating the caption, the climax of the piece, for which the audience had been waiting in breathless anticipation:

The crowd sat in stunned silence for a few moments before breaking into tepid applause and then quickly heading for the exits.

This reviewer now waits again on the edge of his chair, anticipating tomorrow’s performance by this unpredictable but persistent group.

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Most people assume that a cartoon is the product of one person’s efforts, a solitary artist sitting somewhere at a drawing board. The truth is that there are a lot of other people working behind the scenes that readers don’t know about.

Until now.

Here’s a list of some of the people who are indispensable to to the process of bringing you those funny pictures every week:

Pencil Sharpener

A busy cartoonist can’t afford the time taken away from the creative process for menial tasks. Those pencils need to be sharp, and somebody’s got to do it. My sharpener lives in France. Each week I send him several dull pencils, which he expertly sharpens and ships back to me the following week. It’s costly, but well worth it in my estimation.

Bullshit Artist

What does the cartoonist say when buttonholed at a cocktail party or in the street by a representative of the media? The real story might just be way too dull to make interesting copy. That’s why I hired a bullshit artist to invent some useful bogus anecdotes and background stories about my life. Have you heard about how I once rescued a drowning puppy? How I captured the Gold in the hammer-throw at the 1984 Summer Olympics?

Plagiarist

This way, if I happen to accidentally lift someone else’s idea, I have someone to blame it on. Plagiarists can be fired and then later quietly rehired after all the fuss is over. I’ve fired and hired mine six or seven times so far.

Computer Guru

Who has time to spend fixing the damned computer when it suddenly decides to ljlkj;0[hi;olnghvnoh;l. in the middle of a mmm8888n [ctxoNGFIUC busy day? Not jljadjjdr me.

Rabbit

I don’t know why. I just like having a rabbit around.

Demons

Why do some people try so hard to get rid of these? Insecurities, angst, low self-esteem. They’re the gasoline we throw on the fires of creativity. Or are they? Maybe I’m just a damned fool. A hopeless wretch living a pathetic dream in some nonexistent fantasy world of my own invention.

Ego Massage Therapist

Once or twice a week I count on this woman to come over and tell me things like “You are a comic genius.” Or “Now, that’s funny!” I don’t know how I’d get along without her.

Wardrobe Coordinator

Which teeshirt? Bathrobe? Lucky Hat? These are hard, time-consuming choices. Thanks to my wardrobe coordinator, my clothes are laid out for me when I wake up every morning and at night there’s a fresh set of Pj’s waiting. This saves me oodles of time formerly spent on longish periods of indecision.

Reality Wrangler

It’s important to stay upbeat in order to consistently produce high-quality cartoons and we just can’t afford to be bummed out all the time by bad weather, politics, or incessant war and tribulation. My RW takes care of that by intercepting bad news and replacing it with happier items about cute animals, celebrity sex-lives, and dessert recipes. You should try my key-lime pie. It’s to die for, and I mean that in the happiest possible way.

Check Stretcher

Someone to figure out how to pay all these people.

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I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the above people for all they’ve done for me over the years. I’d like to, but I don’t have time, so I’m turning the job over to my
Gratitude Guy.

See You!

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Mr. Stevens would like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who make his important work possible, including me, his Gratitude Guy.

~Elmore E. Echo

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