From My Recipe File…

The other day while I was drawing up ideas, I took a break and went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. While I was waiting for the coffee-maker to finish it’s work, I happened to notice an old recipe file there on the counter and began to thumb through it. Here are some of the things I found:


Roz Chast Chicken

Get some boneless chicken. Cut it into itsy-bitsy, tiny, little pieces and arrange the pieces in an artistic manner in a small frying-pan, paying close attention to colors, shapes, sizes, and composition. After donning protective clothing, a helmet, and goggles, VERY CAREFULLY cook the food over low heat on top of the stove, keeping an eye out for sparks or odd noises that may signal an electrical malfunction of some kind. Keeping a phone and a small notepad with emergency numbers nearby is a good idea. When done, remove from the stove and serve.
A feast for the eye!


Bread a la Ziegler

Take two slices bread, finding two that match in shape and size as closely as possible. Insert the two slices of bread in an old fifties-style chrome toaster and push down the black lever on the side. Wait for the bread to reappear, popping up from the toaster in a few minutes. In many cases the bread will actually fly up into the air. This is completely normal. The bread should be hot and lightly crosshatched. Very black bread, especially if accompanied by smoke and or flames, is overdone and must be rejected or scraped with a table-knife until it achieves a semblance of proper appearance. Care must be taken when extracting the bread from the toaster. Never use a fork or other metal instrument to free a stuck piece of bread. Doing so will likely result in small, jagged and potentially dangerous lightning bolts shooting out of the toaster. Once your bread is free, place it on a plate and add butter, jam or jelly, or any other substance that occurs to you at the moment. Use your imagination!
Bon Apetit!


Beasties Barsotti

Take a small animal and place it on a silver platter under a domed lid. Add a few flies or other insects circling over the lid. Have it served by a lion waiter to a diner who is also a lion who is sitting at a table with a pristine white table-cloth. One of the lions will invariably say something hilarious!


Pasta Sam Grosso

Open a can of worms.


Mankoff KaBob

This recipe requires the weekly delivery of several tons of food items to your kitchen door, which have been produced by small farmers across the country. You must sort through all the various pieces of fruit, vegetables, meat, and unidentifiable objects and carefully pick out only the handful suitable for use in your KaBob. Care must be taken to reject any that don’t appear to be fresh and appetizing or those which have a bad odor. Once you’ve made your initial selections, it’s usually a good idea to consult with another chef or two to further finalize your choices. Once that’s done, you should end up with between 15 and 20 usable items. Insert each carefully on a clean skewer and brush lightly with printer’s ink. Publish over an open flame and place on a newsstand.
Serves about 1 million.




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